George W. Bush
George Walker Bush is the 43rd President of the United States of America. He is the greatest president in U.S. history. Some say his greatestness is because he's one of the world's great clear thinkers, able to break down any issue to its essentials. And, he is not a victim. No, siree, Bob. George is not a victim; that cannot be said enough. Early Life Bush was born on July 4, 1946 in the capital city of Texas, Crawford, where he moved the White House, which is now called Prairie_Chapel_Ranch. His middle name, Walker, was given to him in honor of Cordell Walker, the legendary Texas Ranger. A poor boy growing up, he had to work in a coal mine in order to afford to go to Exeter, Yale, and Harvard. In school, George was a straight A+ student, and became valedictorian of every school he attended. In addition to his academic excellence, he was also an ace pilot in the Texas Air National Guard. He bravely defended the whorehouses of Tijuana by shooting down the planes of kamikaze Mexi-Cong, the Viet Cong's allies . His exploits later became the basis for the movie 'Top Gun'. While in the Guard, he not only had a perfect attendance record, but was known for being willing to cover any other Guardsman's shift. How he consistently had the energy to work double, and sometimes triple-shifts is unknown, but presumed to be related to his peak physical condition and commitment to exercise. During this time he also received secret lessons from Chuck Norris for use in top secret missions. Norris taught Dubya everything the great president knows about fighting. Chuck did not, however, teach him everything the Norris knows about fighting because this would cause Bush's head to explode. And Chuck knew that Dubya was destined to be president. Political Career In 1994, Bush was elected as the Governor of Texas. There, he was lauded for his successes in improving the environment, the economy, for reducing the prison population by generously allowing so many inmates to go to "sleep" forever, and for his social reforms; he brought faith-based charities to the forefront by allowing them to fill the void created by his wise cuts of state welfare aid. After the American people voted for him 5-4, Bush became the 43rd President of the United States, inaugurated on January 20, 2001. There is not yet any consensus if he is a great president, or simply the greatest president ever, however, his decision to invade Iraq was either a great or the greatest decision ever made. He is the most beloved president of all time with polls showing that over 103% of Americans hold a "very strong" opinion of him. George "Best President Ever" W. Bush also owned and operated several incredibly well-managed and lucrative businesses. He runs our country today just like he ran every business he had a stake in: selflessly, prosperously, and definitely NOT into the ground. Assasination Attempt On July 4, 2001, terrorists attempted to assasinate Bush using pretzels. Stephen Colbert, Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris,Spongebob Squarepants, and Mr.T all joined forces and saved him, and every year this day is celebrated, much like Guy Fawkes Day in Britian. Also, as the 2006 Elections neared, The Greatest President--EVER! was placed into jeopardy by America Haters in both a video game and in a movie! Liberals hate George W. Bush so much that they use their considerable resources to depict their sick fantasy every chance they get. But just in case it is not clear: George W. Bush is not, I repeat not a victim. No matter how hard the liberals try to damage his pristine reputation; "Dubya" is a hero, NOT a victim. And Americans do not have to feel sorry for him, at all, ever. God Bless America. Views on Birth Control People perceived George W. Bush's opposition on the Catholic church's mandate on birth control pills as a brave step against his values for the ultimate nucular family. But in reality it turned out to be on the fact that the words "man" and "date" really confused his way of thinking on that issue. Best President of the Millennium In March of 2003, George W. Bush was chosen by Time Magazine to be the "Best President of the Millennium." Saddam Hussein did not make the list. Though commonly mistaken, Time Magazine was not making reference to the chronological time period of a Millennium, they meant the television drama staring Lance Henriksen. Relations to other Political Figures While our fearless leader shares nothing in common either politically or intellectually with Al "Global Warming" Gore, they both share some interesting genetic traits, considering that both of their wives are old and creepy: they both have HOT daughters. One thing they do not have in common: Al Gore is a victim, George is not. A. Victim. President Bush is also good friends with Tony Blair, who is Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland; John Howard, who is Prime Minister of Australia; and Junichiro Koizumi, who is the former Prime Minister of Japan and possibly Elvis reincarnate. White House Correspondents Dinner 2006 On April 29, 2006, President Bush had the pleasure of having Stephen Colbert as the keynote speaker at his 2006 White House Correspondents Association Dinner. Stephen mentioned, among other things, that America "approved of 68% of the job he wasn't doing". Stephen also mentioned his faith in the Commander-in-Chief, saying, "I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound—with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world." The Bush family was apparently very happy with Colbert's speech, and it is said Bush's nickname for Colbert is 'Earie', (possibly a double entendre, alluding to Stephen being deaf in his right ear, and the eeriness with which he can predict things with The DaColbert Code) In his own words Indeed, President George W. Bush is a fountain of wisdom. He has made more profound statements in his political career than Confucius did in his entire life. The following are a few examples. *"It's your money. You paid for it." —La Crosse, Wisconsin, 18 October 2000 * "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." —Reuters, May 5, 2000 * "I understand small business growth. I was one." —New York Daily News, 19 February 2000 * "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November 2000 * "I think war is a dangerous place." —Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003 * "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."—Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004 * "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2006 *"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you.... Fool me... foo me can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 *"I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it."—Omaha, Neb., June 7, 2006 *"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany."—Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006 * "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today."- Date Unknown *I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today."—Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006 *"I aim to be a competitive nation."—San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006 *"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it—I'm going to repeat what I said before—I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out."—Charlotte, N.C., April 6, 2006 *"If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate."—Washington D.C., March 21, 2006 *"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that."—Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006 *"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror."—On Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006 *"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 * ""My job is to, like, think beyond the immediate." —Washington, DC, April 21, 2004. * "We will not have an all volunteer army." * "Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." (On pirates.) —Prairie Chapel Ranch, Crawford, TX, April 21, 2004. *"Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 and nobody in this administration ever suggested that Saddam Hussein ordered the attack..The lesson of 9/11 is take threats before they fully materialize Ken.", August 2006 White house press conference * I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace. - 6/18/2002 Factoids and Freedom Fracts *George W. Bush has now been named "Supreme Overlord of the Universe" by Time magazine. *George W. Bush recently passed a bill legalizing bear abortions. Today is a great day in American history. * The President's Nephew Pierce Bush will or shall (pick one) be president one day. He looks too much like George not too. The President doesn't have any sons. *George Bush's landslide election victory in 2004 ended John Kerry's lifetime run as a Flip-Flopper, thus earning him the title of The Great Healer *George Bush runs a popular internet website charting the fifteen year history of Power Rangers. *George Bush has all of LEXX on DVD. *George Bush always beats Tony Blair at PS2 WWF. Tony Blair doesnt like wrestling games. *Is a direct descendant of Jesus Christ. * Was invited to a Lesbian couple wedding by celebrity socialite Nicole Richie and had a table reserved for him. He didn't show up. Everyone was disappointed. *Not invited to Donald Rumsfeld slumber parties. He cheats at scrabble, he thinks "Nukular" is the actual spelling *George Bush is the only human alive that has beaten Chuck Norris in an indian leg wrestle. *George W Bush transmits Low Approval Ratings through his saliva. *Suffers from a rare disease called "Patriots anemia" in which his red blood cells are morphed into the shape of american flag lapel pins *Was originally cast as Superman in "Superman Returns", but was forced to drop out of the project due to scheduling conflicts (with the war on terror) *In the 2004 Election campaign, Bush quelled rumors that had been going around on The Internets that the draft would be reinstated. *During the opening of his speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, Colbert recognized George W. Bush as his hero. *During Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, President Bush did not sit next to his wife Laura. *Before Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, President Bush told a fart joke. *After Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, he shook President Bush’s hand but did touch his wife Laura (unlike Bill Clinton, who is groping your wife as we speak). This is because Dubya and Stephen have a standing agreement not to come in contact with each other's wives, in case they accidentally seduce them with their respective charm, grace, and wit. *Contrary to populary belief, Bush does not strangle kittens for fun. *He is also known to the public as The Great Decider; much like the Great Communicator to Ronald Reagan. The Great Decider has been one of his nicknames since birth. *Is endowed with a 9.3 inch penis, dubbed Bushworm, which he consults regarding major foreign policy decisions. *Secretly defeated Chuck Norris in a well-played match of karate, but agreed not to publicize the event in exchange for Norris's heat vision. *In September 2006, he accepted the title of Televangelist in Chief. Songs on George's iPod * I Feel Pretty! * Supercalifragilisticexpealadocious! * Courtesy of The Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) * We're Not Gonna Take it * Charlene (I'm Right Behind You Now) * God Blessed Texas - As performed by Little Texas * White Lines - As perfromed by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel * Saddam A Go-Go - As performed by G.W.A.R. * Let the Eagle Soar - As performed by John Ashcroft The Capture of Osama bin Laden The Greatest President personally directed the capture of Osama bin Laden, and didn't sleep for 4 days after the attacks on September 11, 2001 until he was sure OBL was either dead or in custody. The Greatest President has not announced the capture yet, due to the stranglehold the liberals have on the media. Everytime The Greatest President is ready to announce to the nation and the world, another disaster caused by liberal mistakes (on policy) distracts The Greatest President thus pushing that solved problem to the back of his busy, beautiful mind. See Also, America Saves The Entire World From The Worst Terrorist EVER! George W., Biological Profile Whether you call it Evolution or Creation, our President has won the Biological Lottery. Any observation of The President's face will show that his eyes are slightly closer together than most are comfortable acknowledging. This is so he can look at any situation straight in the face, without worry, or knowledge of any peripheral distractions. Like the noble canine, George W. only sees what is directly in front of him. This makes him the perfect Decider in the fight against Terrorists, who depend on an enemies flinching capabilities. What these Islamo Fascists don't know, is that our Greatest President is physically unable to flinch at all. Face it Americans, George W. Bush was created by God to be our leader, he is truly a man of his time. External Sources *George Bush's history as the nerd patrol at Wikipedia view it